By Pedro Vasquez – 9 May, 2019
Before you even think of seeking public office
Start a little business with the one hundred dollars your father gave you. Use any subterfuge to cheat your business partners. When you want to increase your intake, avoid paying taxes by claiming huge losses. You’ll be safe: justice never goes after the real crooks.
Don’t read any books. Reading good books might open your mind to new ideas; and you don’t want to risk any new knowledge sipping past the blood-brain barrier and contaminating your perfectly-skewed picture of the world. Besides, exposing yourself to new ideas could be prejudicial to psychosociological aspects of your personality—and you know how handy those come. A bad reaction can result from exposing what you already are to what you could become.
Don’t ever travel overseas. If you do, you risk seeing how other people live. If you can get over yourself and do make it overseas, make sure you undermine the laws of every country you visit. By all means, antagonize your host.
Allow into your inner circle only people who look exactly like you. Allowing yourself to be in the presence, or even in the vicinity, of people who don’t look like you, could be detrimental to your well being. Remember to refrain from listening to the advice of people whose thought processes don’t mirror yours.
Hold on to the belief that you’re entitled to everything that is good in life. The mere suggestion that having to sacrifice anything to get everything is sacrilege: this should be your guiding principle.
If you require someone else’s service; if anyone must expend their energy, effort, or money to do something for you, offer them the lowest possible remuneration for their service. Better yet, cheat them outright even out of your meager offering.
Don’t keep your word.
Abide by no contract you sign.
Discriminate on the basis of gender, race, religion, or sexual orientation; and be otherwise generally disrespectful toward those who are weaker than you. Harm anyone who cannot fight back.
Be especially disrespectful with people who, because of their intellect, education, or sheer decency, are incapable of thinking and behaving like you.
At every opportunity afforded you, do not treat member of the opposite sex as equal. Accost, demean, and embarrass them instead. Sexually assault them.
You are running for president
Break every rule. Isn’t that what they were made for?
Have no decency. And, since it has worked wonders for you so far, keep on cheating.
Be like a teenager. Act up and otherwise exhibit every aberrant behavior you’ve learned from the thousands of hours you’ve spent in front of the TV. This behavior is guaranteed to persuade every media outlet in the nation—even respectable ones—to cover you for free.
If you have any inkling that the candidate whom you’re running against is superior to you in anyway, it is extremely important that you get help from outside. Like, GET OUTSIDE HELP.
You got elected
“Miracles” do happen. But what happened to you was no miracle. You know this. Your followers know this. The world knows this. Regardless, you just play along; look as surprised as every conscientious person out there. You’re in good hands: the Party of Traitors has your back.
By all means, continue breaking all the rules. Don’t hold any press conferences between the day you were “elected” and inauguration day. Why? Because you don’t want to give people the slightest idea about the kind of administration they’ll be getting.
At all cost, ensure the lines of communication remain open so that those working for you can continue their arrangements with that “extra help” they procured for you during the campaign. Nothing wrong with setting up a “coordinating committee,” right?
Oh. That’s illegal? Whatever. Anyway, do reassure this willing-and-able entity which gave so much of itself to ensure that you attained the high office; an office you’re so wholly unqualified to hold (for reasons too numerous to enumerate). Should this entity turn impatient…, let them know you have their back, too. Everything’ll be just fine, tell them.
Inauguration day is fast approaching
You want to make sure that this is the greatest presidential inauguration the country has ever seen. You want everyone there. What the heck, you want this to be the greatest—largest—inauguration the world has ever seen. And those nineteen balls you plan to hold? You want everyone who attends to enjoy themselves, “bigly.”
I must caution you, though. It’s some big shoes you’ll be filling. This is why, as far as inauguration day goes, you are going to need all the help you can get.
Make sure you get every entity who wants a piece of the American pie to earn their effing slice. Don’t they already have all the money and power that tax breaks can buy? Let them splurge (You must charge accordingly).
You’ve been sworn in
I know, I know. Shit happens. Nature’s a bitch, isn’t she? Was it too cold? Was it even raining? You’re right, some people are wimps. That must be your mantra from now on. Also, it is exactly what you—at any cost—must make everyone else believe, too. How could they do that to you. That they didn’t turn up because they were afraid of the cold?! Can you believe it?
Doesn’t matter. I’m sure no one saw it. No one who matters that is. So, this is where the stable genius in you gets to show his mettle. This is where he can get a bit creative…
No. wait. What am I saying! Just go ahead and use your unlimited imagination. Use it bigly. You have some brilliant people in your team. They’re the most brilliant people your followers, and people the world over, have ever seen. So bright are they, that you can’t effing see from the glare. Yeah.
No, no. No one will ever notice. Just have your people come up with some alternative facts. You know? Yes, yes. No worries. Everyone does it. Everyone lies, you know. Everyone cheats. No biggie. World’s full to the brim with liars. Besides, you’re in luck. Lucky bastard you are! The internet is crawling with pictures of mass gatherings.
That you got someone to take a perfect-looking picture from a certain angle? I know. But, come on, you can do much better than that. Why not go ahead and grab a picture from that other inauguration? Remember? The one from eight years ago?
Isn’t it great, that one? Effing big mass of people, ain’t it?—and from the perfect angle! No, no. I’m telling you. No one will be able to tell that that one’s from a different time. It has the same landmarks there on the left, and at the end. There, isn’t that the Washington monument?—Wow— You can see the Jefferson memorial at the end, too. And the people! Amazing. Ever seen so many people in one place?
No. It wasn’t your inauguration.
Hmm, yes. Everyone will believe it’s your inauguration—fingers crossed.
A whole new world
Take a few days to walk around your big new place. Yep. Full of history. Isn’t it?
You’ll make sure to make it yours by painting over those boring colors. Yes, yes. Golden will be just fine. Everything as it should be. Everything shiny. It’ll work perfectly well with the rest of the décor.
I must tell you. You need to act (or at least appear to be acting) decisively these first few days. Better yet. Let’s make the whole first month an effing marathon. Sign executive order after executive order. Yep. Back to back. Sweeping measure that will upend the system of government we the people have “gotten used to.”
The rule of law? Who cares about the rule of law! We’ve been doing this only for a mere two-hundred forty years—give or take a civil war and several other, race-related, plunders.
By all means, go ahead and violate the US Constitution. (Yes, that’s the one they call the law of the land.) You were only sworn to defend it. But what are promises? Right? What does it mean to give your word—which, as it happens, you did while resting your hand on two Bibles (Why do it like everyone else has done it who came before you—how antiquated! No, no. You either do it bigly or not at all; like everything else you’ve done in life).
And don’t worry. Many in the US Congress aren’t paying attention to what they should be paying attention to. Well (between you and me), they are paying attention, sort of. You know this for a fact. You know it as you know they’re just a tiny bit distracted. Aren’t they? Funy, right? I know. Like all the brilliant people you’ve hired, those in Congress have been blinded by the light emanating from that supremely awesome crew of cheerleaders in whose midst you levitate. Hosanna!
Have you any idea of the big opportunity their distraction represents? It’s so massive, this opportunity, that you could count on those GOP senators and representatives not being in the least concerned about their constituencies.
Nope. Not at all. Which is a perfect reflection of your own acumen. You have them eating out of the palm of your hands. Sorry. I know. Except for a few “mavericks” out there who have become masters at talking the good talk. But do not fret if it doesn’t seem like those senators and representatives are really following your lead.
That they’re just being traitors-in-waiting, you say? I’m not sure I understand. You mean in the sense that they’re being traitors to the oaths they took; being treasonous to the promises they made to the people in their “home state?”
Well. You can only do so much to straighten up such a large crowd. Best bet would be for you to join them, so to speak. It could be your greatest opportunity—and you’ve had a few of those throughout your life, haven’t you? Can’t complain, can’t you?
With great power comes great responsibility, they say
Now is the perfect time for you to set your plans in motion; to set out on your real mission; after all, it’s the reason you ran for president. Isn’t it?
Don’t keep your promises.
Pit one race against the other.
Subvert American democracy and her rule of law.
Don’t guard our nation’s highest secrets. Instead, act like an autocrat, and give your children top-secret clearances (thereby granting them access to TS/SCI information to which no other person with the same rap sheets as your offspring could logically be granted access to); then, they will be in a better position to work on compromising U.S. national security by dealing in our nation’s highest secrets with so-called friendly nations.
Surround yourself with people who always put their interests before those America. Take away the freedom of our government agencies to operate in accordance with their charter. Remove all decision-making authority from your cabinet secretaries. Do not seek advice from others on how to better our nation (especially the economic situation of the poorest among us).
Remove every regulation put in place to safeguard the interests of consumers. Give corporations free reign in the way they conduct themselves when dealing with our foreign adversaries. Approve projects that are certain to harm the environment in the long run. Antagonize everyone, including our most faithful allies. Retreat from every international treaty and agreement which your predecessor signed; treatises and agreements entered into in the interest of America and the world at large.
Seneca is right
If it’s true that “luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity,” then you’re a lucky being. Yours has been a life of crime (so the preparation is there); and your party gave—and continues to give—you the opportunity.
Just know this: if you’re still US president, it is only because you’re not “from that other party,” and because your own party holds the power to keep you there—regardless of how high a crime you’ve committed and continue to commit. Otherwise (and had our politically-biased Attorney General been a man of principle; had he been an ethical lawyer who acknowledges that the US Constitution is the basis for all our laws, and that a president should not be allowed to hide behind executive privilege to prevent the investigation of crimes he may have committed), you already would have been, either sent to prison, or removed from office.
Go ahead. Smile. You’ve shown all interested parties how to ruin a country.